Cereal Killer

No jumps for Paras as MoD cuts £1bn
By Sean Rayment and Rob Watts, Sunday Telegraph
Last Updated: 1:28am GMT 17/12/2006

Parachute training in the Army is set to be halted for four years as part of a £1 billion cost-cutting programme by the Ministry of Defence (MoD).

Members of the Parachute Regiment will not receive parachute training

The proposals mean that Britain will be without a parachute-trained force for the first time since the Second World War when the Parachute Regiment was created on the orders of Winston Churchill.

Documents leaked to The Sunday Telegraph reveal that no new recruits or even serving members of the Parachute Regiment or airborne forces will be trained in military parachuting from next year until 2011. It will then take a year to get the Army’s 2,500 paratroopers up to scratch.

The cost-cutting programme is being launched after defence chiefs warned that spiralling costs of complex equipment and the demands of military operations would create a financial “black hole” in the MoD of £868 million by the end of the next year.

The severity of the crisis prompted one of the Government’s most senior civil servants to describe the situation as “an extremely difficult position with no clear way forward”.

The crisis has placed the MoD on a collision course with Gordon Brown and the Treasury, and has raised fears that multi-billion pound projects could be postponed or even cancelled.

The planned cuts to be imposed on 16 Air Assault Brigade, which the MoD admits would be a public-relations disaster, revealed just days after 77 members of the unit received awards, including a Victoria Cross and a George Cross, for their actions in Afghanistan.

The document states that if the cuts were imposed “the Parachute Regiment and other airborne units would be undermined with implications for morale, recruiting and retention. It would take until March 31, 2012, to retrain all aircrews, dispatchers, planers and parachute-trained units”.

It adds: “This measure would also have implications for special forces’ recruiting and selection.” The Parachute Regiment provides more than half of the special forces’ intake.

Senior officers were aghast last night at the latest round of cuts. One said: “It is extraordinary that at a time when the Armed Forces are fighting two wars and are stretched to the very limit, defence spending is being pared back in this way.”

The crisis has emerged two months after Tony Blair promised commanders in Afghanistan that they would get whatever they needed to beat the Taliban.

The scale of the crisis within the MoD is highlighted by another leaked document in which Ian Andrews, the 2nd permanent undersecretary of state, warns that the military is having to take “painful measures” to stay within budget. “Equipment, support, fuel and utilities costs are causing real pressures across the departments. We remain in an extremely difficult position with no clear way forward.”

In an effort to stay within budget, he proposes measures including a “moratorium on recruitment” of civilian manpower and that all “existing contracts for agency or casual staff be terminated”.

Instead of flying to meetings around the world, senior officers should “encourage staff to consider video conferencing, e-mail or the telephone”.

Now everyone is (almost) recovered!

Recommended in the sales:

Any reader whose granny has just passed away and who can’t really afford a decent send-off should ring Cumbria County Council which recently issued a permit for one chap to dispose of his deceased nan’s dismembered body parts at the local tip.

According to the Times and Star, 42-year-old Dave Straughton of Workington called the authority for a “waste permit”. His description of said garbage as “general domestic waste” did not satisfy the operative at the other end of the line who said Straughton “needed to be more specific”.

Straughton explained: “The man on the phone said they couldn’t accept that and I wouldn’t get a permit unless I could be precise. They kept pushing me to be more specific. It’s crazy – it was just a bit of household rubbish.”

Straughton then duly specified he had a guitar and organ to dispose of and, in a fit of pique, “asked if they would accept dismembered body parts in bin bags”.

He recounted: “Amazingly, the council officer asked if that was what I was taking, replied okay and put the phone down.”

When the permit turned up a few days later, it read: “The following waste can be disposed: Guitar, Organ, Grandma’s dismembered body parts in bin bags.”

Sadly, the temporary council worker responsible for this tomfoolery got himself sacked for his trouble. A Cumbria County Council statement explained that Straughton “first applied for a van permit to take rubbish to the Clay Flatts household waste recycling centre on November 9″.

It continued: “Mr Straughton made it clear that he was not a supporter of the [waste permit] scheme and, when asked for a description of the waste he intended to bring to site, he replied: some old musical instruments and dismembered body parts of his grandma in bin bags. Our call centre operative challenged this description, but Mr Straughton insisted this was the wording he wanted to appear on his permit.

“Regrettably, the permit was issued with this wording included. The following day this was discovered by management, investigated, and the operative’s temporary contract was terminated. We then wrote to Mr Straughton to apologise and issued him with a revised permit.”

For those of you wondering why Cumbria’s residents need a permit to turn up at the local tip with granny’s binlinered remains, we should explain that the council reckons “waste being dumped at centres across the county has gone down by over 20 per cent” since the scheme’s inception, leading to savings of “several hundred thousand pounds each year”.

Recycling has, on the other hand, increased, so if your local council decides that dead relatives should not be disposed of at the local dump, try composting granny at the end of the garden.

We know you’ll be busy celebrating National Potato Day but don’t forget to watch Top Gear, 28 January, 8pm on BBC Two.

Just a quick note to everyone, when you are in your car, lock your doors. If you stop for just a minute or two, maybe at traffic lights some fucking gypsies in hoodies will come and try to get in.

Attention gypsies: Yes you better fucking run.

British troops carried out a dramatic three-pronged attack on insurgents in Basra yesterday in the biggest strike operation since the invasion of Iraq.

Five alleged top-level terrorists were arrested, and a number of bombs — just 48 hours away from being planted — were found in the dawn swoop.

In a set-piece assault, more than 1,000 soldiers in tanks, armoured vehicles and boats carried out simultaneous raids into one of the toughest areas of Basra at 3am.

“We are not suggesting that this is the silver bullet that will kill off the insurgency but it is very much a step along the way,” a senior military source said.

The new tactic could mark a turning point in targeting militias in Basra with commanders stepping up action against rebel leaders before next spring, when British commanders hope to halve the current strength in Iraq to 3,500.

The raid comes against a background of increased violence against British forces, who have suffered 125 dead in Iraq, as they attempt to establish a degree of stability in Basra city and province, where most of the troops are based.

The assault into the densely populated Al Harthah district was launched when an “armoured fist” of 28 Warrior armoured vehicles carrying nearly 300 troops of the Duke of Lancaster’s Regiment and 14 Challenger 2 main battle tanks stormed across the Qamart Ali bridge.

As soon as the Iraqis heard the armour approaching they opened fire from the narrow alleyways and two-storey mud brick houses that honeycomb the area, which is bordered on two sides by wide rivers.

A barrage of rocketpropelled grenades, hand grenades and small-arms fire rained down on the tank column as it stormed across the bridge.
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American F15 fighter jets were called in by RAF co-ordinators to conduct a low and fast flypast of the Iraqi position as a show of strength.

Troops then returned fire with the tanks of Egypt Squadron, 2 Royal Tank Regiment using their chain guns, and the soldiers using machineguns and SA80 assault rifles to put down fire.

“All the way over the bridge we took incoming rounds but we punched our way through and got to the other side without casualties,” said an officer.

“When we went in there we knew they would be well protected but we did have the element of surprise so they could not bring anything heavier to fire at us.”

As the tanks provided heavy covering fire, the Warriors crossed the bridge with half of them sweeping right and the other to the left.

Confronted by the narrow alleyways and darkness, the troops, equipped with night-vision goggles, leapt out of the back of the Warriors to accompany specialist search teams from the Royal Engineers.

The troops entered two homes where they found AK47s, 12.7mm heavy machineguns, which can penetrate light armour, and a number of artillery shells strung together with detonator cable that are used to make deadly roadside bombs. They also found 66mm rockets and RPGs.

The two arrested gang leaders were handcuffed, placed in the back of the Warriors and driven back for questioning at the main British base in Basra Air Station, eight miles outside the city.

As the tanks fought their way across the bridge a flotilla of high-speed landing craft carrying a company of infantry conducted a daring amphibious raid on another corner of the district known for its tribal fighting and criminality.

More than 100 soldiers from the Staffordshire Regiment were taken up the Shatt al Arab river in eight rigid raiders and two offshore raiding craft.

As the high-speed boats hit land the troops, while under sporadic fire, waded ashore. They rapidly made their way to houses where another two insurgents were detained. Inside the homes the troops discovered arms and a number of “useful” documents.

The suspects were handcuffed and taken by boat back to the base at the Shatt al Arab hotel, close to the spot where terrorists murdered four troops last month.

As the raids from the south- west and south-east took place, a large force of Scottish troops accompanied by Danes attacked from the north.

The company of 110 men from the Black Watch in 20 armoured snatch Land Rovers with 250 men from the Danish battalion in lightly armoured vehicles drove at speed into al Harthah.

Without a shot being fired they grabbed the fifth and final insurgent to be arrested.

Brig Tim Evans, the overall commander of the raid, deliberately deployed four times the number of troops usually used for a strike operation to ensure that none of the suspects got away.

“If you strike at just one person another four or five will disappear for months, so we decided to go in all at one go,” said Major Charlie Burbridge, the British military spokesman.

There was shock this week as it emerged that cars are to blame for all the evil in the world. The shock verdict came from a top secret government report to be published later this month and entitled, “The Economy Could Be A Bit Fucked – Finding Ways To Make More Cash… And Fast”.

“Cars really are the root of all the planet’s woes,” admitted government spokesman Lambglot Slightly. “For one thing, they cause global warming which is the biggest threat to face this country at the moment and certainly a bigger threat than, say, starting an inexplicable war and then being puzzled when fanatical Muslims keep plotting to blow up London. Of course, it’s not just global warming. The car also causes cancer, paedophilia, rape, pestilence, scurvy and never being able to find the bloody kitchen scissors when you need them. Thankfully, this government has discovered that all these problems can be made to go away by taxation. Lots of lovely soft target taxation. Mmm”.

Whilst central government continues to work on new plans to banish the evil of cars with the sword of tax, one local authority is already taking the initiative to prevent cars from causing more misery and mobility in the world. The council of Grunting, in Pain, has already approved plans for a new scheme in which residents’ parking permit charges will be levied in direct proportion to the stylishness of your clothes and how well spoken your children are. “This is entirely fair scheme,” said spokesman Partly Smnnr. “We believe it will encourage people to think twice before having a reasonable amount of money which we’re then going to take off them on some spurious environmental basis that doesn’t quite make sense”.

However, the government itself was quick to promise that although cars are the root of all income, it will be looking at other measures to save the world. “We’re not simply picking on cars of course,” Lambglot Slightly admitted. “Domestic heating and airline travel are two areas that we are looking in to as well. I personally have decided that domestic heating is the best way to keep my six bedroom house warm, and to celebrate that discovery I’m now flying to France for a two week skiing holiday. Mmmm”.

Meanwhile, Conservative leader Dave “Dave” Cameron was happy to join in the blathering; “I am speaking now,” he said. “Listen to me speaking in a nice voice. I think it’s clear that I agree with whatever this is about, and I have shown this agreement by not wearing a tie. I like trees. Yea kids. Clouds are nice” A spokesman later admitted that Mr Cameron was himself a major source of pointless CO2.

More @ http://www.sniffpetrol.com/

Airport security is a serious business, but why was a Reg reader refused a Krispy Kreme doughnut at Heathrow airport?

Admittedly, the sugared snacks contain enough cooking oil and sugar to power a trailer park, but who knew they could be fashioned into bombs?

On Saturday afternoon a Reg reader was dropping some friends at Heathrow and stopped off at Krispy Kreme doughnuts outside Terminal 3.

But the reader was directed to the unstuffed ring doughnuts rather than a full-fat, fully stuffed Krispy Kreme special because the fillings fall foul of security restrictions.

“Imagine our confusion when the guy serving us advised that we could only buy ring doughnuts, not filled, circular doughnuts. A moment or two’s wrangling in broken English and we discovered that he thought we were outbound passengers.

On further questioning, apparently the liquid contents of a filled doughnut fall foul of the new restrictions on liquids in carry on luggage. Quite how the authorities imagine that a terrorist could blow up a 747 by rubbing two Krispy Kremes together was a bit beyond us.

But a spokesman for BAA denied they were stamping on Homer’s favourite food. He said: “Passengers can take liquids in 100ml bottles carrried in a clear plastic bag. But passengers use common sense on foodstuffs. Sandwich fillings and the like are not restricted.”

In fact, the only foods still on the restricted list are: “Liquid-based foods, sauces, stews, soups over 100ml in size.”

Drinks suffer the same restrictions, but there is no mention of doughnuts.