Cereal Killer

3 evenings, too easy.

WASHINGTON – President Bush sought medical attention last night after attempting to prepare a midnight-snack for himself.

Sources close to the President have told the press that President Bush tried making a sandwich and was injured.

“He buttered his hands with mustard, put cheese and Bologna between them, put his hands together like a sandwich, and bit into them,” that from an unnamed reliable source.

“The president has received a tetanus shot and is resting comfortably,” said Doctor Allan Simons, Chief Psychologist at the Bethesda Naval Hospital.

Mr. Bush, nor Press Secretary Tony Snow, were available for comment, though Laura Bush told one reporter that he may have forgotten to turn on the light.

Paris Hilton will be released from jail next Tuesday, June 26, Sheriff’s spokesman Doc Holiday announced today.

However, authorities would not reveal the time when the convict heiress will be released.

76 of the assembled 879 paparazzi fainted on the spot. One died. However, until someone sticks him with a needle, nobody is quite sure.

Later in the day L.A. drug stores reported a run on Valium, Diazepam, Alprazolam (Xanax) by worried looking slimebags with multiple digital cameras, who have also been asking how to go without peeing.

The paparazzi fear this is a trick to release Hilton on Sunday or Monday.

President Bush’s dog Barney broke off from under a table at an important meeting on health care to hold an impromptu press brief, and “Woof, woof — woof, woof, woof — Woof..ed”

Hull, UK – 19/06/07. Burger King shares plummeted today with the news that John Prescott had cancelled the long-standing contract to supply food to Prescott Manor.

The contract had been running successfully for over twenty years with daily shipments of Extra Large Double Whoppers being delivered every hour. Shares in Eddie Stobart, the haulage firm, were also down on the news.

The City was buzzing with activity at the news.

“This could be the end of the road for Burger King,” said one stockbroker, Julian Farquar-Porridge. “With their major client gone, they will have to hope that their current negotiations with Dawn French are successful.”

Rumours that Pukka Pies had won the lucrative Prescott contract were at this time unsubstantiated.

By Vaclav Klaus
Published: June 13 2007 17:44 | Last updated: June 13 2007 17:44

We are living in strange times. One exceptionally warm winter is enough – irrespective of the fact that in the course of the 20th century the global temperature increased only by 0.6 per cent – for the environmentalists and their followers to suggest radical measures to do something about the weather, and to do it right now.

In the past year, Al Gore’s so-called “documentary” film was shown in cinemas worldwide, Britain’s – more or less Tony Blair’s – Stern report was published, the fourth report of the United Nations’ Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change was put together and the Group of Eight summit announced ambitions to do something about the weather. Rational and freedom-loving people have to respond. The dictates of political correctness are strict and only one permitted truth, not for the first time in human history, is imposed on us. Everything else is denounced.

The author Michael Crichton stated it clearly: “the greatest challenge facing mankind is the challenge of distinguishing reality from fantasy, truth from propaganda”. I feel the same way, because global warming hysteria has become a prime example of the truth versus propaganda problem. It requires courage to oppose the “established” truth, although a lot of people – including top-class scientists – see the issue of climate change entirely differently. They protest against the arrogance of those who advocate the global warming hypothesis and relate it to human activities.

As someone who lived under communism for most of his life, I feel obliged to say that I see the biggest threat to freedom, democracy, the market economy and prosperity now in ambitious environmentalism, not in communism. This ideology wants to replace the free and spontaneous evolution of mankind by a sort of central (now global) planning.

The environmentalists ask for immediate political action because they do not believe in the long-term positive impact of economic growth and ignore both the technological progress that future generations will undoubtedly enjoy, and the proven fact that the higher the wealth of society, the higher is the quality of the environment. They are Malthusian pessimists.

The scientists should help us and take into consideration the political effects of their scientific opinions. They have an obligation to declare their political and value assumptions and how much they have affected their selection and interpretation of scientific evidence.

Does it make any sense to speak about warming of the Earth when we see it in the context of the evolution of our planet over hundreds of millions of years? Every child is taught at school about temperature variations, about the ice ages, about the much warmer climate in the Middle Ages. All of us have noticed that even during our life-time temperature changes occur (in both directions).

Due to advances in technology, increases in disposable wealth, the rationality of institutions and the ability of countries to organise themselves, the adaptability of human society has been radically increased. It will continue to increase and will solve any potential consequences of mild climate changes.

I agree with Professor Richard Lindzen from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, who said: “future generations will wonder in bemused amazement that the early 21st century’s developed world went into hysterical panic over a globally averaged temperature increase of a few tenths of a degree, and, on the basis of gross exaggerations of highly uncertain computer projections combined into implausible chains of inference, proceeded to contemplate a roll-back of the industrial age”.

The issue of global warming is more about social than natural sciences and more about man and his freedom than about tenths of a degree Celsius changes in average global temperature.

As a witness to today’s worldwide debate on climate change, I suggest the following:
■Small climate changes do not demand far-reaching restrictive measures.
■Any suppression of freedom and democracy should be avoided.
■Instead of organising people from above, let us allow everyone to live as he wants.
■ Let us resist the politicisation of science and oppose the term “scientific consensus”, which is always achieved only by a loud minority, never by a silent majority.
■ Instead of speaking about “the environment”, let us be attentive to it in our personal behaviour.
■ Let us be humble but confident in the spontaneous evolution of human society. Let us trust its rationality and not try to slow it down or divert it in any direction.
■ Let us not scare ourselves with catastrophic forecasts, or use them to defend and promote irrational interventions in human lives.

The writer is President of the Czech Republic

Its raining. There are a few inches in the lower parts of some roads. So what?

YOU MUST ALL STAY INDOORS, ON THE SECOND FLOOR, YOUR LIVES ARE AT RISK IF YOU DO NOT. YOU WILL ALL DROWN IN THE FEARSOME PUDDLES.

Britain was braced for more bleeding obvious advice this week as forecasters warned of another incoming front of TRAVEL CHAOS. This new warning comes only days after the whole country awoke to find a six inch covering of TRAVEL CHAOS had covered much of the British Isles overnight with more flurries of TRAVEL CHAOS over the following 24 hours.
However, whilst a further dusting of TRAVEL CHAOS could be a problem in itself, some experts say the real danger for drivers is of being hit by a sudden shower of sodding patronising advice from motoring organisations. "If this weather continues, drivers need to be extra careful to avoid large patches of fucking obvious advice," noted Dr Gneil Pipely, Head of Wasting Everyone's Time Studies at All Saints College, Appleton. "For example, it's all too easy to be in the car listening to the radio when, next thing you know, you're being told to avoid any journey that isn't necessary, and by the time you sense the smugly high minded tone it's too late to take evasive re-tuning action".
But facile warnings apparently aimed at people who just drive around in their cars for no reason whatsoever could be only the tip of a very patronising iceberg, Dr Pipely warns. With the expected return of TRAVEL CHAOS motorists should also be on high alert for other blandly useless information such as 'carry a warm rug in the car', 'take a flask of tea with you on every journey', 'if the road looks icy, don't bang the car into first gear and mash the throttle like a mentalist' and 'always arrange for a St Bernard to run everywhere after your car just in case you drive into a crevice on the M4'. Motorists are also reminded that a good way to keep warm during TRAVEL CHAOS is to smash the car radio repeatedly with a hand jack until Sally fucking Traffic on Radio 2 just fucking shuts up.
"Ha ha ha," said some motorists in Sweden and Canada whilst driving perfectly well through a massive snow storm. "What is wrong with you people?" they added, grittily.

A new proposed (that means it’s imminent) UK tax on those who pollute the world.

Likely to be another in a long line of taxes like the road tax where money is taken from you to pay for a specific item but (instead) is spent in no such place. For example: ‘road tax’ (Vehicle Excise Duty) is ’supposed’ to be spent on the upkeep and building of roads. In reality it just ends up going to the Chav Support Fund – also known as Social Security.

The roads, of course, go to wrack and ruin because it’s too expensive to build/repair them since there’s no money! Each year £1000’s worth of damage is done to the suspensions of motorists who are getting no value for the money extorted out of them. In fact only 15% of Vehicle Excise Duty is spent on roads – and I think we are well aware that “National Insurance” is no such thing.

The Green Tax will be another such tax where the the 30 million tax payers of the UK are expected to pay to save the World while the other 5 billion 970 million go right on fucking it up. The money will, of course, never be seen again!

Taxpayers must already suspect that Green Tax will not improve parks, save wild countryside or discover new energy sources. It will just vanish into the common pool used to pay for quangos and MEPs and John Prescott’s Jag collection.

The latest Green Tax was the increase in the surcharge for airline flights. HOWEVER – in the subtle genius we have come to expect from Gordy Brown – the increase is just enough to realise some serious revenue BUT not actually a big enough rise to stop you flying (its main aim). The man is truly a tax genius; a cnut… but still a genius.

Now the Tories have leaped on the tax increase bandwagon and stated that they wish to price every fucker out of the air. What a splendid idea. That’s going to knock weekend piss ups in Riga on the head then?

The Tories – being brain dead – have yet to realise that this is going to lose David Cameron the next election, as people are getting a tad tired of being told that everything is their fault and that they must pay more taxes to compensate for their ‘Carbon Footprint’.

It’s quite obvious that (Despite aero engines being more efficient and cleaner-burning than ever before) they’d rather have every fucker shoe-horned on to the M6, or packed in to trains like Jews on an Auschwitz day trip, rather than encourage people to utilise domestic flights to alleviate congestion on the rail & road networks.

Finally, given we have F all heavy industry, just 1% of the World’s population and 2% of the World’s carbon emission – how the feck are we supposed to overcome what China and India are doing to the climate? It would be like trying to stop a tidal wave with a sponge. Still, not to worry. It’s all OUR fault, and we are going to pay for the privilege of the guilt trip.

The latest governmental scheme for squeezing that little bit extra money out of the idiots that allow them to get away with it time and time again – Joseph Public esq.

Along with Green Tax and Carbon Footprints, this is yet another way of justifying another fiscal penalty on the over-taxed proles that are already being bled dry. This is how it works:

Every time you take the nippers to school, pop down to Sainsbury’s or draw breath, you will incur a levy. This is done by a complex suite of surveillance assets all working in perfectly choreographed concert, which will automatically debit your meagre savings pound by pound. Should you go over the speed limit, the complex programming will instantly calculate your time & distance to and from destination and penalise your miserable middle class arse with great vengeance.

When you run out of money, the local council will send the bailiffs around to cart away your pitiful possessions; and when your home is an empty shell you’ll be evicted by the same no-necks. If you resist, the police – forever looking for an easy kill and a box to tick – will pump your useless carcass full of 9mm – and then bill your grieving parents for the ammunition. Good eh?

None of the above will apply to individuals of ethnic origin or anyone with a vehicle registered in Uzbekistan.

Today we are going to answer your most frequently asked questions — a special feature which you should cut out and keep (unless you are reading this online, where you probably should not attempt to cut it out).

Why is the ratings agency called OzTAM?
The Oz part is obvious, but the TAM part comes from the surname of the inventor of ratings in Australia. According to Wikipedia, George Taminondas was a Greek immigrant who started asking his friends and neighbours in 1957 what they were watching on TV, and sold the results to channels Seven and Nine.

Over time, Taminondas trained a bunch of media analysts to visit sample households and discuss what they were watching. These analysts came to be known as “People-meeters”. Nowadays, OzTAM is one-quarter owned by George’s grandsons, Con and Theo, and the other three-quarters are divided among channels Seven, Nine and Ten.

How are ratings measured?
The People-meeter system worked well until the late 1990s, when it became apparent that the Taminondas analysts could not reach enough households to offer a fair sampling of the community. Technology came to OzTAM’s aid. Since 2001, every TV set sold in Australia has been fitted with a miniature camera/microphone that records everything happening in front of the screen when the set is on. The device is called “Diary” (acronym for Digital Investigation And Research Yield).

At 2am each day, all Diary recordings over the past 24 hours are sent to the central Taminondas computer, from which the ratings figures are calculated and sent to TV networks at 8am.

But how do they know all those demographic details about viewers?
The Diary footage is analysed by experts (still called PMs, although they never meet anybody any more) who study viewer behaviour and estimate age, wealth and gender. In addition, networks that pay a premium (the so-called “platinum subscribers”) receive a daily disk of footage taken in homes across the nation, showing the most interesting things viewers have done in front of their TV sets. Some of it is disturbing, but most of it is useful in determining where and when to place commercials.