Cereal Killer

As the waters from last week’s floods recede, local people are making unusual discoveries, such as cars. Unemployed Simon Cam of Gloucester told us “God be praised, I found my brand new Mercedes SLK under the water. Because it’s all wet, I’m going to sell it as soon as possible.”

More startling discoveries have been made. In the cellar of one public house, police rescued 1,000 failed asylum seekers. The local MP said “These poor tykes have had no food and drink for the last week, apart from beer and packets of crisps. The only distraction they had from their awful situation was a wet darts board and to play with their guns and knives.”

The survivors explained how they had survived. One man said that when the waters rose above his head, he holed out a wooden ruler with his machete and used it as a straw to breathe through, a technique he had learned while camping in Pakistan.

The Government has responded swiftly, promising £5 million in aid to re-house these survivors, educate their children and give all of them free laptops and mobile phones. “This is small comfort after what they have been through”, said one source. “You can rest assured that all of them will have their cases re-looked at. In fact, we’ve drafted David Blunkett in to give them all special dispensation to remain in the country forever.”

The Government has also reassured local residents that a further £1 million has been set aside for them “just as soon as we’ve sorted out these poor asylum seekers.”

The head of the Environment Agency has said publicly that, contrary to popular belief, there is still a water shortage in Britain, even after the recent heavy rainfall and flooding.

Brainless Young told the BBC that, although there had been, in some cases, 500 times the annual rainfall of an area in just one week, it was the ‘wrong type of rain’ that had fallen.

“It was just too wet”, she said.

Environmental experts have said that reservoirs that normally hold such large quantities of water, had been contaminated by the ’superwet’ rain, and that the water now held in them was unfit for human use, although it would be perfectly fine to clean the car, or water the lawn with.

Bills would have to rise, they said, if customers wanted ‘improved services’.

Consumers are not happy. In Tewkesbury, which has declared indepedence from Britain as a result of being marooned, customers were horrified at the prospect of having to pay higher bills as a result of the water companies’ ineptitude at protecting supplies from becoming too wet.

Betty Yokel, 96, said:

“It’s ridiculous! My husband fought for this country in two World Wars and laid his life on the line so that we could have luxuries such as good, clean water. Now this. Just wait until he finds out. He’s just washing his bike.”

Another lady, Ethel Bowser, 63, of Gloucester, said:

“It’s criminal! Fancy letting the water get too wet! Criminals! Criminals!”

Chief constable of Gloucestershire Police, Tim Brain, said:

“If there’s been anything criminal going on, I’ll get to know about it, don’t you worry”, before settling down for a snooze.

Moscow – (Pissed Press): Not to be outdone in the current round of international drinking brinksmanship stakes Russian space agency officials refused to back down today over reports that their own cosmanauts ‘drank NASA pilots like Commander Bill Oelfelein under the table’ aboard the International Space Station on more than a dozen occasions.

“These stories about the Americans being a bit tipsy on board their Voyager shuttle, pathetic!” said Igor Panarin, director of the Russian Space Agency Roskosmos.

“We run bar on the ISS. Our brave boys all trained at Boris Yeltsin School of Alcohol Consumption. We wiped floor with pansy-assed Yanks like Oelfeline. Is a matter of national pride. Trust me.”

Meanwhile Russian cosmonaut Anatoly Solovyov told reporters today that tight training requirements made it inconceivable that Russians could be out-drunk by anybody including the Americans.

“These cosmanauts, they are the elite of our society,” Solovyov said.

“The remote possibility of failure dominates allr thoughts. In your head you know this is Russian state program and you get horrible punishment if pissed-as-farts Yanks drink you under table. Is inconceivable we ever lose.

And Cosmonaut Alexander Poleshchuk, a 1993 veteran of the Mir space station, told Russian TV news today that removing panels to hunt for Vodka was routine daily activity on board the facility “much the same as top domestic activity in a hundred million Russian homes every day of the week”.

He said he agreed with fellow cosmonaut Salizhan Sharipov who returned from the ISS in April 2005 claiming that the on-board distillation equipment was the Russians’ pride and joy.

“We supplmented our wages that way by selling moonshine to the Americans.

“This helped everybody to work better and relieve the psychological stresses of being cooped up with our old enemies the Americans.

Police in Gloucestershire have been hit with yet another major headache after a group of swimmers-by near Tewkesbury spotted a hammerhead shark which local authorities believe to be gay.

The Hammerhead, normally found in more tropical waters off the coast of Aberdeen has been christened Crispin by local shark fishermen after the predator was seen mincing up Tewkesbury High Street by the swimmers.

Pub Landlord Ron Lampshade, who had his leg severed by the hungry hammerhead admitted “It’ll be good for business having Crispin around. After the floods business has trickled to a full stop. It’s almost as if someone’s turned a tap off!”

One of Ron’s regulars Tim Sewage, who lost his wife and kids after Crispin attacked them added “Oo-arr – Oi don’t know what’s baht appen after yonder floods ‘ave receded! Crispin’ll have to be kept in a bath or summink!”

Gloucesterhire Council have set up an emergency committee to monitor the shark situation.

Essential nowadays!

Just got some new ones from this guy.

Fast delivery, decent guy!

It has been announced by Parliament this morning, that Tewkesbury, besieged by floodwaters that have effectively made the town an island, has declared independence from Great Britain.

Derek Tidemark, the mayor of the sleepy Gloucestershire town, spoke to Prime Minister Gordon Brown by telephone last night to inform him that Tewkesbury was no longer part of Britain, and that no.10 should not try any ‘funny business’ that involved soldiers or tanks.

Mayor Tidemark later told BBC news:

“We’re tired of that bloody Tony Blair, that bloody Gordon Brown, bloody Muslim bloody terrorists and that bloody Elton John – what a bloody tosspot he is! We can do a damn sight better on our own, thank you!”

Tewkesbury has been cut off from the rest of the country by surging floodwaters from the Rivers Severn and Avon due to unseasonal ropey weather. A water treatment centre in the town has been put out of operation, and local residents are now being forced to drink, and bathe in, raw sewage.

Already, a navy has ‘put to sea’ in rubber dinghies to defend its coastal waters from invading forces that are attempting to bring in fresh drinking water supplies.

“It’s just not good enough”, said pensioner Ethel Towel, 82, “we all went to the pub last night and had a chinwag. It was the general consensus that we should form our own country. We’ve already written our own national anthem.”

Officials at Downing Street were remaining tight-lipped about the development this morning, giving only the briefest details about the announcement.

Mr Brown, eating his corn flakes, said:

“Huh? Tewkesbury? Where’s that?”

The recent widespread flooding that has affected many parts of the UK, is down to heavy rain, it has been claimed by experts.

Some areas of England are still under several feet of water, including Hull, which has been ‘officially forgotten’, and, say meteorological analysts, it’s all because of a bit of good old fashioned precipitation.

Long-time Hull resident, Albert Spatchcock, 82, who describes himself as a ‘weather expert’, said:

“It’s a devil of a thing! I’ve never sin samuch rain. Fair cats’n'dogs. It’s ruined me green beans ‘n’ cabbages!”

It’s the same in Lancashire over the other side of the Pennines. In Manchester, where people start to worry when it doesn’t rain, another seasoned weatherperson, Maud Grimley, 71, told Radio Manchester’s phone-in show:

“Eyup! ‘Appen it cum rart ovver top o’ me wellies! Never stopped all day! Mind you, ducks’ll be ‘appy!”

Staff at the Royal Meteorological Society say the weather is set to continue, and people should “get used to the inconvenience” of having raw sewage in their homes.

Professor Ed Banger of the RMS, said:

“When global warming kicks in, most of these Northern places won’t exist. There definitely has been a lot of rain about, but, on the upside, we no longer have hosepipe bans anywhere in the country.”

Today (Yeah, today, late post I know) theres a party in the park effort at West Park.

More to the point there’s a beer festival, anyone can rock up and start drinking… Now that’s got your attention its also a charity job, all proceeds go to a good cause.

http://www.dovehouseday.org.uk/

I’ll be on the 4×4 response stand so if your coming look me up!

Young British tennis hopefuls should spend less time on court because of the danger of being humiliated once they turn professional, a study says.

The youngsters practise for many hours per week, and miss out on a normal childhood, experts have warned. They pour far too much time and effort into becoming something largely unachievable.

The study of 33 ‘elite’ young tennis prospects by the Royal National Society for the Study of Embarrassment & Humiliation, found that intensive training often led to delusional behaviour and, in rare cases, terminal false hopes.

It’s thought that top class tennis professionals need to put in about 10,000 hours over a 10-year period to stand a chance of becoming a potential champion.

But the study, published in the British Sports Failures journal, states that the youngsters might be better off spending their time with other children playing Hopscotch and Conkers.

British tennis legend Tim Henman, who had a hill named after him, said:

“I practised for 20 hours a day, 7 days a week, for 10 years, and look at how little I achieved.”

Following Jenson Button’s shock announcement that he will quit F1 if the performance of his Honda does not improve within the next two years, further details are emerging of other decisive actions the dynamic British driver is prepared to take in order to get results.

F1 spies say that only this week the Brit ace was spotted issuing a similarly firm ultimatum in a London cinema. ‘Button was watching Die Hard 4.0 but he clearly wasn’t impressed,’ said one fellow movie goer. ‘I definitely heard him loudly saying in a politely quiet voice that if the film didn’t get better then he was flipping well going to wait until the end and then leave’.

Just hours earlier another motorsport fan reported seeing the West Country driver in a nearby restaurant expressing disappointment with the table he had been given. ‘Button wasn’t messing around,’ said one fellow diner. ‘He made it moderately clear that if he wasn’t given a better table he would eat his main course and some pudding and maybe a coffee and then bloody well think about leaving’.

However, it now seems that Button isn’t the only one issuing dire warnings for the future. Many British F1 fans, for example, have threatened to completely lose interest in Jenson Button within the next… oh.