Cereal Killer

In a surprise announcement this morning the home secretary announced that all people over forty will receive a free polystyrene hat an their birthday this year.

This is due to the large number of hat thefts which have risen nation wide by 1,500,062.5% in the past six months. The hats are usually stolen by hat manufacturers who employ special workers to steal hats by use of sharp sticks which they stick through peoples letter boxes impale the hats on, then recycle them for bicycle production.

The new hats will be made by the well known hat super-giant Dolbton Hubris and Hubris. They were selected for the commission by staff from over twenty nine different government departments including MI 6, 12 & 13. The hats will be made from the most common form of Polystyrene, inflated polystyrene which is commonly used in packaging.

The hat bill is the first order passed by the new home secretary who contrary to popular belief is the chav pier sir Fulham Cheevlin A.S.B.O. Famous for his I’m not posh, I’m a scumbag campaign last year which got him his seat. But his critics have described this as a gross misuse of government money as this will cost the tax payer thirty two and a half million pounds.

A home office spokesperson today said that although thirty two and a half million pounds sounds like a lot of money it is only 85.7 pence per hat which is barely half the price that people would pay for a more traditional jelly, a hat which is elasticated for extra wobble.

A shirt worn by the Hull City team during their unsuccessful 1992-93 season has been voted the most fashionable and visually-pleasing ever by football fans.

The shirt, a cacophony of Tiger stripes, was replaced after only one season when it was deemed ‘intimidating’ to and by opposing teams. It subsequently became much sought-after by dedicated ‘collectors of beautiful things’.

In a poll of 1,000 Sky viewers, the shirt polled 85% of all votes cast, with Manchester United’s tremendously unfashionable 1995-96 grey away shirt – the one that made them invisible to team-mates and the crowd – coming in a distant second.

Hull fan Tonys Turdy of Beverley said:

“I loved that shirt. I wore it and growled.”

Former City favourite Sir Billy Whitehurst, who once famously hit a golf course greenkeeper over the head with his 1-wood, said:

“The shirt may have been scary, but the Tigers have always been a bit toothless.”

Britain has unveiled details of a new citizenship test for immigrants. They will be asked questions about history, institutions and culture – as well as committing to British social values focusing on, “being one of the lads”.

The new citizenship test is expected to be introduced later this year. The details were unveiled in a 40-page draft guide that is to be given to all applicants.

Below is an example of the test which critics have described as ‘Wordy and Rectangular in shape’.

Question 1 : The present Queen has reigned since
a) 1893
b) 1952
c) 1972
d) I don’t accept sovereign rule and would do my utmost to destabalise the monarchy

Question 2 : Judges are appointed by
a) MI5
b) The Prime Minister
c) The Queen
d) Les Dennis

Question 3 : When did the European Union originate?
a) Just before the first World War and just after the Boer War
b) Just before the Second World War and after the abdication of King Edward VIII
c) After the Second World War but just before the release of “Jail House rock”
d) On a Tuesday straight after Eastenders.

Question 4 : Children under 14 can work
a) In any areas, provided they have a special licence.
b) For two weeks every year.
c) If they are gun running for a Yardie gang.
d) If they have run away from home due to an alcoholic father.

Question 5 : Your home must be insured against fire, theft and accidental damage
a) Always
b) If you buy it with a mortgage
c) If you want to make a fraudulent claim to pay for a Mediterranean holiday
d) Whenever you wish

Question 6 : Guy Faukes night is an occasion when
a) British people celebrate the life of a true revolutionary.
b) British people watch firework displays at well organised public events.
c) British schoolchildren attach homemade fireworks to the tails of domestic cats and send them into outer space.
d) The Bishop of Derby

Question 7 : The Soccer ‘World Cup’ is
a) A festival of top class football occuring every 4 years.
b) A time when English citizens can attack minority groups at will without fear of prosecution.
c) A time of national mourning in England
d) All of the above.

Question 8 : Two Thirds of people in the UK live in
a) Owned Houses
b) Rented Houses
c) A constant state of sexual frustration
d) Caravans

Question 9 : Sex with a minor in Britain is
a) Against the Law at all times
b) Against the Law unless you are a high court judge.
c) Always to be discouraged
d) Legal in South Wales

Question 10 : Which of the following is not a proof of identity?
a) Benefits book
b) Home Office document
c) A letter from ‘your best mate’
d) A photograph of you standing next to a British Policeman.

In a sports story destined to try to make the lives of life-long couch potatoes easier, the sport of Donut throwing has now been made legal.

Along with sports such as Fox-Hunting, and Badger baiting, the sport previously carried out by only the very rich and the very wasteful, is to be rolled out into schools ready for the new school year, which starts next week.

The sport which uses cheap donuts,past their sell by date and not suitable for human consumption consists of throwing a Donut, like a Discus. It is less dangerous than the discus, and to date, no-one has ever been harmed by a falling donut.

The apparent one billion light-year void in space discovered by a University of Minnesota team has proved to be nothing more than pigeon droppings on some of the radio telescopes used to survey the heavens.

Scientists speculated that the hole resulted from a bubble of nothingness formed after a battle of matter and antimatter in a region of the very early universe.

But following an inspection of the radio telescopes in New Mexico, the embarrassed boffins realised it was just bird crap.

Professor Ivor Brain from the University of Bognor Regis, UK said, “It was an easy mistake to make. It’s a bit like when you’re driving your car and you suddenly see what you think is a UFO in the sky. You slam your foot down on the brake, another car rams into your arse, but you don’t care – you’ve just seen a UFO! Then you realise it’s just bird shit on the windscreen.”

The team who discovered the space void, or rather, who didn’t, will not be winning the Nobel Prize, but are nevertheless hoping to make a quid or two from their forthcoming book, “It Was Crap All Along.”

Scientist have revealed findings, in the journal ‘Science stuff’, which show if there are any men on Mars they would have to be really small.

The research was done by a team from Hull University; lead by Doctor Alan Nelsborne, who made some remarkable discoveries.

By studying Mars’ gravitational field, its alignment with the sun, and the size of the rocks that something could hide under, as well as photographs of the planets surface, the team discovered that if there were any men on Mars they would have to be small enough to stand under a three foot high boulder.

This further confirms research carried out last August by the Mars orbiter which showed that all life on Mars would be small and cockney. While this research seems fairly conclusive as to the possible nature of any men on mars, it still remains to be seen if there are any.

NASA is currently preparing a mission to Mars manned by cockneys, who should be able to locate their fellow ‘pile of spam: rhyming slang’ speakers.

However some doubts have been raised as to the authenticity of the photographs used for the research with some people claiming that they were digitally edited to hide signs of massive colonisation. These rumours, circulated on you-tube are more likely to be true due to that particular sites firm vetting policy for only the truth to be shown.

In Idaho, Daisy, a nine month old fresian cow made history by being the first cow to heifer draw on a blackboard.

Speaking on Daisy’s behalf a spokesman said: “This is quite unbelievable. At only 9 months old, Daisy is drawing at the level of a fourth grader. If we knew Cows we really this intelligent, as Daisy has only helped to prove, we would never have wasted them in filling up our beef burgers. If we had known this before, then maybe the world would be a better place.”

Maybe having three stomachs and a lot of time to kill makes living creatures more intelligent. We cannot ask Daisy, as an hour ago the truck came to pick her up for the abattoir.

When asked for further explanations, Daisy was heard to udder: “moooooooooooooo”

A mugger has been awarded £500,000 in compensation for being sworn at by his victim.

Lisa Harris, 23, shouted and swore at Jason Lass, 34, as he grabbed her handbag and punched her in the face. Mr Lass’ solicitor, Andy Haywood, said his client was “deeply upset by the stream of verbal abuse from Ms Harris and is still struggling to come to terms with the incident.”

The Crown Court in London awarded half a million pounds in compensation to Mr Lass, who has been approached by Channel 4 to appear in his own reality show.

Mr Haywood told reporters that the court’s decision “sends a message to others that it’s unacceptable to swear at a member of the public.”

Ms Harris has been convicted of assault and will be sentenced next week.

Since receiving the compensation, Mr Lass has been accused of raping a 15 year old girl. The charges were dropped after Channel 4 executives complained that a prosecution would interrupt the filming of Mr Lass’ reality show and warned the Metropolitan Police that they would be liable for the additional costs in rescheduling the filming. The Met decided to release Mr Lass without charge. The 15 year old girl has been charged with wasting police time and will appear in court on Monday.

Do you want your car to have the LOOK of a real sunroof? Without damaging it or make a hole on it?

After the recent Foot & Mouth, E-Coli and Legionnaires Disease outbreaks, a new scare has this morning raised calls from health officials for a total ban on Mars Bars.

The alert follows reports that a man in Scotland has died after choking to death on an ‘infected’ Mars Bar, and the government have acted quickly to contain the outbreak.

John Glutton, who was 51, was dead on arrival at Glasgow Royal Infirmary last night, prompting ministers to order a cease in the Mars Bar production process, and a recall of an estimated 91 million of the chocolatey treats.

Public health minister Dawn PrimaRolo said today:

“We are expecting some resistance from newsagents, particularly those from ethnically-diverse backgrounds, but we don’t want to take any chances. We certainly don’t want another epidemic on our hands.”

Tory opposition ministers have accused the government of ’scaremongering’, and have said that anyone who eats twelve Mars Bars a day, as it is claimed Mr Glutton did, is asking for trouble.

David Cameron condemned, what he called, Labour’s panic measures saying:

“People should be more aware of what they eat, and look after themselves more. Mind you, Mars Bars are delicious aren’t they?”