Cereal Killer

A scientific study revealed today that people who smoke cigarettes are sexy. The study, carried out by researchers wearing white lab coats in the University of Wales in Cardiff, was commissioned by Imperial Tobacco.

“This is one of just many proven benefits to smoking tobacco,” said the senior researcher in the press release. “Our survey has shown that 82% of smokers have had sexual intercourse within 20 years of smoking a cigarette. And the remaining 18% have at least been able to crack one off over an episode of Baywatch.”

A senior spokesman for Imperial Tobacco welcomed the findings. “Cigarette smokers will be very positive about this news. They’ve have had nothing but doom and gloom for the past thirty years with unproven links to lung cancer and emphysema and the draconian smoking ban imposed upon them by this freedom hating government. Smokers will take great pleasure in knowing that the halitosis and nicotine stained fingers induced by chuffing a fag are a turn-on rather than a turn off.”

When pressed upon the health benefits of not smoking, Imperial Tobacco said. “This issue isn’t about health but about freedom. We believe that people should have the right to choose to inhale whatever toxic addictive habit-forming substances they want.”

Next: Eating Junk Food makes you more Intelligent.

Beloved bear from Darkest Peru, Paddington Bear says that he was sold out by his creators to further the cause of Satan’s recipe, Marmite.

Speaking from his North London flat, the Bear, who no longer lives with the Brown Family, after attacking them said: ‘People are really going for Michael Bond and his family over selling me out to Marmite, but that is not the case. I have a big court case coming up, and I needed the money’

This news has comes as a shock to so many people, who love the dimunitive bear and his wardrobe of a duffle coat, a good hat, and Wellington Boots.

Paddington, now smoking, said ‘Listen mate, it is not my fault. I am a bear, I never liked Marmalade, Marmite, or my duffle coat. I am a bear, I do not need to wear clothes, I have fur…’

In a further twist, the policeman who took the formerly law abiding bear away said: ‘He seemed so nice and apologetic at the time. No one told him that the pigeon would not like Marmite in that advert, or would go on to cause a four car pile up. It got worse when the camera stopped filming, man, it really did. We can’t blame him for lashing out occasionally, I mean he had this fame forced upon him, he never wanted to come to London, I think he should be applauded for settling into the culture as well as he did’

The Daily Mail is now calling for the cuddly citizen to be deported back to Darkest Peru. The court case starts tomorrow.

Shoppers in Hull have given St Stephen’s an emphatic thumbs up after getting their first chance to look around the new £200m development.

Hundreds gathered outside the centre for its 11am opening.

Melanie Kerry, 20, from Hull city centre, said: “It’s really glamorous and I can’t wait for the rest to open.

Hull people have the CLASSIEST comments.

My favourite:
“It’s a bit like going to Leeds. When I walked through the station this morning, it felt like I was in Leeds or somewhere else really nice.”

And the radio just said:

“This is the biggest thing to happen in Hull since it was bombed”

It has been revealed that Quentin Tarantino – director and author of films and fantasies such as Pulp Fiction and Kill Bill – is to direct the new film adaptation of Enid Blyton’s ‘Famous Five” novels.

Tarantino has claimed that he has ‘a deep understanding’ of upper class early 1900’s England as he ‘knows a few English people.’ The new film, tentatively titled ‘Famous Five Hang In Harlem’ tells the tale of the well loved characters ill advised trip to America. It is assumed that Tarantino will bring his own naivete to the film, which will perfectly complement that of the fivesome.

Some controversy has surrounded the directorial decision, as Tarantino is known for his profane, violent and sexually charged films. ‘Sure, there’ll be blood,’ The Director states, ‘But people need to realise that blood, as well as ginger beer, exists.’

International Talk Like a Pirate Day (ITLAPD) is a parodic holiday invented in 1995 by John Baur (“Ol’ Chumbucket”) and Mark Summers (“Cap’n Slappy”), of the United States, who proclaimed September 19 each year as the day when everyone in the world should talk like a pirate.

Avast, Interweb
Ye local interweb.

Police in a small Spanish resort near Madrid have mounted a search of local buildings following the abduction of a British couple’s pizza while they were looking after their baby child.

Mr. and Mrs Smith are said to be distraught. A friend of the couple told our reporter:

“They wish to stress that they were not negligent and can’t be blamed. They admit they took their eye off the ball – or in this case the pizza – but it was only for five minutes when they left Sergio’s Happy Eatery to change their daughter’s nappy.”

A spokesman for the police said that in addition to carrying out house to house searches, they will be testing the couple’s hire car for mozzarella stains, just in case the couple are responsible for the disappearance of their own pizza. A picture of the pizza – a large vegetarian one with green peppers and onions – will be placed at stations and airports within 50 miles. The Pope has also agreed to meet the couple next week.

Mr. Smith wrote on his Internet blog at www.pleasefindourpizza.com:

“I am sure our pizza is still out there somewhere and I beg whoever has taken it to return it to us.”

However, police are warning them not to get their hopes raised. One officer told us:

“It is highly likely that whoever took the pizza has already eaten it.”

The creator of the Universe and everything that exists was left red-faced today after his pocket money was stolen during a trip to the shops.

“Thieving bast*ards stole my pocket money”,said an extremely agitated God, “as if I don’t have enough sh*t to be dealing with as it is”.

The culprits are futher described as being Asian and middle-aged which has led police sources to guess that it may have been the work of Pakistani leader Pervez Musharif and his little brother Brian. The two have previously taken candy from babies, snatched apples from an old womans apple tree and staged a military coup.

“Wait until I get my hands on them”,warned God, “there’ll be blimmin’ murder!”

Once again, the scrotes have struck and Peewee’s highly distinctive truck has been stolen. Time wise sometime between midnight (10-09-07) and 08:00 (11-09-07).

Keep an eye out and phone direct on 070 170 74466 if you spot it please.

Cannabis is now more evil than the Nazis and smoking the drug is worse for the brain than watching Richard Madeley on television, new research suggests.

During the Sixties smoking dope was hardly evil at all, and the drug was more playful and slightly naughty, but in a nice way, a bit like Kenneth Williams.

In the Seventies and Eighties marijuana briefly became totally harmless and could be smoked by future Cabinet ministers up to the rank of Home Secretary without any effect on their brains whatsoever.

However, a massive increase in the strength of the drug since politicians all stopped using it has now made it more nasty and brutish than the combined evil of the Third Reich.

Professor Tom Booker, head of drug research at Glasgow’s Clyde University and the man who conducted the latest lengthy study into the drug, said: “Yeah, whatever.”

A spokesman for the University said: “The Nazi’s were very bad people but even they could not make a middle class white boy adopt dreadlocks for a hairstyle, or make a highly intelligent middle aged man crawl around the floor of his laboratory in his underpants weeping with laughter about nothing at all, and then eat his own weight in marshmallows.”

Following the promotion of cannabis to the top spot in the evilness rankings the top ten most evil things in the world are:

1. (-) Cannabis
2. (2) Tobacco
3. (4) Debt consolidation ads featuring Carol Vorderman
= 5. (1) Richard and Judy
= 5. (3) The Nazis
6. (-) Heathrow Airport
7. (5) Prince Phillip
8. (7) Joseph Stalin
9. (-) Noel Edmonds
10. (10) The Devil and all his minions

(Previous position in brackets)