Cereal Killer

Former UK Prime Monster Tony Blair has sobbed his heart out and told reporters that his days in Number 10 were like being in an abusive, bullying relationship.

“I got screwed,” Blair wept this weekend as the news broke that former WMD weapons inspector Dr Davis Kelly didn’t conveniently suicide himself in July 2002.

Kelly’s death sparked Whitehall’s notorious Hutton Report whitewash which exonerated everybody about the Iraq War fiasco apart from some tossers at the BBC.

This weekend Blair has been lying low at an anonymous countryside retreat rehearsing some well-trodden lies.

Officials have just informed him that his arse is to be hauled next week before the House of Commons select committee on the Cash-for-Honours probe.

Despite having managed to suborn crucial witness testimony in the Honours enquiry Blair now fears he is heading for Tyburn .

A series of extraordinary forensic revelations show that Dr Kelly’s death was a superbly staged construct and that everybody who knew about it somehow managed to get a peerage.

Reliable sources also suggest that the pillock also lost a fortune last night by backing England to win the Rugby World Cup against South Africa.

Apparently Cherie’s tarot reader told him to put his £500,000 book advance on an England win at aintgottaprayer.com’s tempting odds of 4/1.

“We are utterly, utterly screwed,” were the only words audible from the Blair camp this morning.

Prince Charles has made Stonehenge his latest target in his self-proclaimed crusade against bad architecture in the UK.

The Prince has made it his business over the past several decades to expose the shoddy and eye-jarring architectural monstrosities that blight the skyline of the kingdom he will inherit – no matter what anybody thinks thank you very much.

Speaking at a luncheon of visibly incredulous architects and structural engineers, Charles said ‘Just look at the damn thing! It’s not even finished! I mean, how long do we give these contractors to get the job done? I would think they could have a roof on it after several thousand years. And another thing — it is an insult to the changing complexion of our increasingly diverse, multicultural society. I think the project designers on this one need to ditch plans for a gabled roof and look at a dome. Know what I mean?’

Charles has let it be known the coming victims of his wrath include Cadbury Castle and Glastonbury Abbey.

Scientists at the Institute of Physical Jerks in Norway believe they have isolated the rogue genetic sequence that causes British athletes to consistently blunder at important sports events.

The chromosome, provisionally named Henman 27, is part of an aggressive genetic code that has been the scourge of the British since the Wars of the Roses. The scientists consider that the chromosome is probably French in origin.

Although the Institute claim that the general public in the UK should not be alarmed, they do wish to illustrate that everyone is a carrier of the chromosome in some form. Professor Lars Magnussonsun me that the full-blown symptoms of “representing the UK in any competitive field” and “talking a good one and yet totally bottling it at a vital moment,” are on the increase but still relatively rare.

The minor symptoms of Henman 27 are easier to identify. In the “carrier” phase, the victim will show signs of severe delusion and become painfully opinionated. Borderline racist patriotism and verbal diarrhoea quickly follow. Several days of disappointment and depression are not uncommon but afterwards recovery tends to be swift. The more severe indications of this genetic problem are not exclusive to sportsmen and women. Politicians, businessmen, high profile royals and estate agents are all known to suffer its curse.

This information comes at a particularly tender time in the British sporting calendar. England’s demise at the Euro 2008 qualifying stages upset many ardent fans, and the England rugby XV’s valiant but ultimately futile attempts at victory has left tears rolling down the supporter’s puffy, painted faces.

Tank beats Ghost.
Tank beats Hunter.
Tank beats everything.

Shotgun!

Television geography disaster Jade Goody is set to do for the space race what she did for race relations.

The blonde/brunette/any colour in a bottle said: ‘Where is space? It is like, really nothing, ain’t it? It is just nothing that goes on forever and forever. I have to live with these thoughts all of the time, it is really quite surprising how I can manage to get out of the bed each day’

A NASA Scientist with seven degrees and a fluency in 4 languages said: ‘All of that research, all of those wasted years studying space, how can I ever measure up to an intellect of that size? I really should give up now, shouldn’t I?’

A spokesman for East Angular council was nowhere to be found, so we made him up: ‘Jade Goody thought we were in Spain, so the wonders of space should not really be lost on an intellect of that size. Still, she makes more money than I do, so who am I to argue with her?’

Paddington Bear, the bear who is now the face of Marmite, tells the Sun his heart wrenching rags to riches story.

Paddington, a bear with only one name, left behind a life of grinding poverty in Darkest Peru, to join the Brown Family, a nondescript family living in an unnamed place, where his scrapes, often involving his beloved Marmalade Sandwiches often got him in trouble with the police.

The Bear told us: ‘The documentary I appeared in only showed the lighter, funnier side of my life, it never showed the darker side, never showed my many arrests, my run ins with the local dogs, or time spent in Prison. The other prisoners left me alone, you never really argue with a bear in a confined space, do you?’

Paddington always had the love and support of the Brown Family, and credits them with keeping him sane through his wilderness years, to his commercial rebirth as a face of yeast extract spread, Marmite.

Future plans for Paddington include his full Auto-Biography, with the working title ‘From Peru to BBC2′, a returning slot as a regular critic/pundit on Late Review, a role in the next James Bond Film, and a starring role in Hell’s Kitchen, and Dancing with the Stars. Marmite, you either love it or hate it. Paddington Bear is still to make up his mind on that one.

While the world looks on in amazement, Portuguese police officers have made a number of insulting remarks against their British counterparts, alleging that they don’t know how to do their job and only investigate what parents Gerry and Kate tell them to investigate. When British detectives kept a dignified silence, this made Portuguese police even angrier and now they have demanded “a rumble”.

Rumbles or fights are quite common in less-developed countries like Portugal, where people make up for their lack of brains by sheer brawn. Indeed, when the country’s Parliament is unable to decide on something because equal numbers of MPs vote for and against a new law, the leaders of the main parties settle the matter with a duel, relying not on pistols or swords, but on knuckledusters and flick knives.

British police have expressed surprise at the latest tirade from Portugal, pointing out that it was the British police who suggested that police in Portimaio should:

* look under the beds and in the bathroom of her parents’ holiday apartment, in case Madeleine was hiding there,
* dust the whole place for fingerprints and take DNA samples from the apartment, Maddie’s belongings and from family members,
* carry out a search of the neighbourhood to find either Maddie or some evidence that she had been there

Up till then, Portuguese police had simply been sitting in the veranda, wearing sombreros and playing guitars.

British police also suggested that their foreign counterparts should try a technique called interviewing witnesses and suspects. Portuguese police simply declare people suspects for 9 months until the public and the media forget about the case.

If there is to be a fight between British police and their Portuguese counterparts, the clever money is on the Brits to win. One expert on police fights said:

“The Metropolitan Police has many years of experience of beating up suspects and each other. Half a dozen of their toughest nutters would make mincemeat of the Portuguese side.”

The new Wembley stadium is a possible venue for the police fight.

David Cameron ended the Conservative Party conference with the rallying cry, “Oi, Gordon Brown! Please don’t call a snap election.”

Cameron’s 20 minute speech praised Labour party policies, thanked the Government for invading Iraq, and promised to raise even more green taxes. At the end of the speech, he begged the Prime Minister not to call a quick election, saying:

“Despite what I said earlier, the Tory party isn’t ready for an election. My job as Leader of the Opposition’s at stake. Look, I’ll do anything. You can have my Jaguar. I’ve also got a rather nice dual core laptop. It’s yours, mate. I’ll even give you my wife’s recipe for Pecan Pie. Just don’t call an election. I’m begging you, dude.”

Political analysts are split on whether Cameron’s blubbering will win him or lose him votes. Adam Boulton of Sky News said:

“On the one hand, voters like honesty and you can’t be more honest than this. The man had tears streaming down his cheeks. On the other hand, voters like their leaders to appear strong. Cameron may be David to Brown’s fist-clunking Goliath, but this David’s no hero.”

David Cameron was said to have locked himself in his lavatory and refused to come out till Gordon Brown promises not to call a snap election.

Back October 7th.

Watch it.

A Nevada inventor and physicist had to get rid of his perpetual motion machine, which he found “really irritating.” He said: “The damned thing kept me awake, running all the time, I couldn’t stop it. I mean, I like science, but I’ve got a life too!”

Having worked on the machine for at least seven years, the inventor said he really didn’t consider the efforts wasted, as he was able to attend a conference in Las Vegas to present a paper about his work. “Hey, I got a trip to Vegas, and I won $300 in the slots too.”

When asked what he did with the machine, he said: “I just put it outside for the monthly bulk pick up. I saw some kids playing with it earlier. Let the county worry about it now!”

He has now scrapped his plans for research on cold fusion, as he wants to “catch some rays” before it gets too far into winter.