Cereal Killer

Antarctic – Responding to an advertisement of all expenses paid vacation to South American aboard the ocean liner M/S Explorer, twenty-four Britons, believing they were well on their way to a dream vacation of a lifetime, had a rude awakening upon their arrival. Unbeknownst to them, they were about to be made unwitting participants of the History Channel’s latest special on the Titanic, which included a re-enactment of its sinking.

“They never told us they intended to sink the bloody ship with us still aboard,” said Harry Smith from his hospital bed, as he was being treated for hypothermia. “They enticed us with a free vacation on a luxury ocean liner. That’s false advertising. That what that is.”

In order to make the re-enactment as realistic as possible, the History Channel had the entire 154 passengers and crew dressed up in period customs, matching right down to the shoes what the passengers wore on board the Titanic that ill-fated night.

“They just told us it was a costume party,” said Smith. “I should have became suspicious when they kept asking me if I could sound more British. What’s the difference, by then it was too late to any about it anyway.”

Later, after the all-you-can-eat shrimps from the Seven Sea Midnight Buffet and the first-class ticket holder Ball, a horrendous crash was heard throughout the ship, read the History Channel press release regarding the incident.

Known for its commitment to high quality production value, the History Channel apparently spared no expense once again and built a customized iceberg according to the specifications of the one that struck the Titanic.

“It’s quite a feat of engineering,” boasted a spokesperson for the History Channel. “We estimate that entire re-enactment, including the iceberg, cost more than the Titanic itself, in adjusted dollars of course.”

Operated by small flotilla of tugboats from within side the mechanical iceberg, they gentle guided it into the shipping line of the unsuspecting ocean liner, placing it on a direct collision course with M/S Explorer nicknamed “The Little Red Ship”.

“We had to make several course correction as the Captain of ‘The Little Red Ship’ attempted to avoid hitting the iceberg,” said the spokesperson for the History Channel. “But it was worth the extra expense of the fuel, even at today’s prices because we got the footage we came for.”

Before they left the scene of the accident, the conscientious History Channel producers were sure to alert the Chilean Navy to rescue the ocean liner passengers.

“The ship did not sink as rapidly as we hoped, in fact, it just took on water and began to list violently,” said a producer for the History Channel special. “But we can fix that up back at the studio.”

Unfortunately, upon their return, the entire footage of the re-enactment had to be scrapped as the computer generated special effects just could not be surpassed.

“That’s the funny thing about technology,” said the producer. “It moves so fast, that by the time we got back to the studio, it turns out we don’t need any of that re-enactment footage after all. We’re going to CGI the whole thing from beginning to end.”

Scientist’s today came up with the startling revelation that the moon is definitely made of cheese.

Dr Bert Parpsalot, 67, says: “We sent Little and Large up there to investigate and when they came back all we could smell was Stilton.. and it was fresh.”

Although professor Gilbert monstrously disagrees: “It’s total fabrication, Everyone knows there’s a cheese shop on the way to Grimsby space station. They simply stocked up on cheese on the way and ate it just before entering the earth’s atmosphere.”

Today the argument continued with Little and Large themselves saying they saw Wallace and Gromit taking a dump on what looked like a giant empty cream cracker packet. “We know what we saw and we definitely saw the moon made of cheese. As for buying and eating cheese that’s complete bollocks as we don’t even like cheese”.

Northern Rock has hit back at George W Bush’s claim that it is part of the Axis of Evil by saying that it was “just a case of sour grapes” by the U.S. President.

In recent months, Bush has listed a number of organisations as part of the Axis, including Iran, North Korea, most London minicab drivers, Jamie Oliver, “anybody who was married to a former U.S. President and wants to become President herself” and, most controversially, Osama bin Liner’s Al Qaeda Mountain Animal Rescue Centre.

White House officials were quick to deny that the President’s comments were linked to the appearance of a ‘For Sale’ sign outside the White House. “Any suggestion that any bank or savings and loan is foreclosing on this administration will be met by a pre-emptive strike. It’ll be Shock and Awe all over again!”

However, senior insiders at the U.S. Department of Defense have made it clear that they would not be able to raise the funds for such a strike. “The only strike we’ll be going on is the writers’ strike in Hollywood!

Shares in Northern Rock closed at 2.5p (Although the Bank of England is said to be selling them on as part of a ‘Buy one, get one free’ offer).

Health chiefs have announced that the much loved Santa Claus is considered to be clinically obese.

Worried about his round appearance, concerns have been raised about his continued ability to deliver presents to millions of children on an annual basis.

Chief spokesman for the World Health Organisation, Hester Bloomingfield quoted:

“Santa has, understandably, a heavy work load each year, delivering presents, eating mince pies, drinking sherry etc.

He is a heart attack waiting to happen.

We really feel, that in view of his plump demeanor, he may be taking on too much and could do with a medical work-over as soon as possible.

Imagine if he had a coronary incident whilst piloting his sleigh this Christmas? Innocent people may be killed or injured in the resultant crash”

They have suggested that Santa may wish to undertake an intensive fitness regime as soon as possible to shed his excess weight, and also he may wish to consider sharing some of his workload with the many “Santa’s helpers” around the globe.

Cassini-Huygens at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory California Institute of Technology has reported music from Saturn, proving once and for all that God is a D.J.

These emissions were detected by the Cassini radio and plasma wave science instrument.

The complex radio spectrum with rising and falling tones being picked up on the Cassini radio and plasma instrument proves that God is a D.J. and that he prefers radio and plasma instruments to the now-popular Ipod and satellite radio receivers. Since the frequencies of these emissions are well above the audio frequency range, it is suggested that you tune in at -44 on your radio dial for all of God’s future broadcasts.

It is speculated that this was revealed now because, with the Beast in power, the end is near and Armageddon is at hand. It is advisable that everyone listen to their radios for God’s latest live update, especially in radio-free America.

In a very unsurprising move today, the Republic of Ireland passed a law that lowered the legal drinking age in the country from ten to four years old. Approximately 0.0003 percent of the population was stunned at the announcement made by President Marie McDonald today, and these two people promised to protest in the streets of Dublin immediately.

Most of the older citizens of Ireland were happy with the passage of the law, as James Hale, 29, of Belfast put it, “This is bloody great, now I can give my six year old son Jacob all the beer he can handle without worrying about the police caring. It’s not like they would have cared before, but now it’s even better. We can be drinking buddies now, eh?”

However, little Jacob did not share the same enthusiasm about the new law as did his father. “I am just a lad in grade school, and me friends used to think I was cool because I would come to school and give them free beer. Now it’s legal and they will not care because they can get their beer from their parents. Since the law passed I am going to quit drinking to find something illegal for me to do, but it’s going to be hard on me dad to not have his favourite drinking buddy around.”

President McDonald says she will wait and see what effects the new law has on the country. “I think it will be great. We need to teach our children that drinking is not just limited to their mums and dads, but it can be a family activity. I think prior to this law children thought drinking was something only older people could do, as if they were somehow not capable of it. Also, before passing this law we had to think about how the children under nine felt when they had to go to school and see the older kids being able to drink, but not them. I think this will even the playing field and allow everyone to get along.”

The new law went into effect immediately and will doubtfully have any effect on the amount of drinking consumed in Ireland. Next week the legal drinking age is expected to be lowered further, to the embryonic stage of pregnancy.

Inside sources at the Pentagon say that Iran is now even closer to realizing their dream of becoming a world power. Chinese spies stole many secrets during the Clinton administration and now they are selling them. Iran has just purchased the famous Yellow Bundt Cake recipe that was believed to be stolen from the very secretive Betty Crocker Laboratories in Los Alamos New Mexico.

Chadwick Dalquist was the project manager on the secretive project in 1999. “This is no ordinary Yellow Bundt Cake recipe” he claims. “Let’s just say cinnamon and splashes of pudding are involved”.

Betty Crocker officials claim the secret Bundt cake recipe was never stolen. Duncan Hines Vice-President of Clandestine Research, Marion Berry, asserts “we always knew the recipe existed but this is a dark day for Yellow Cake”.

White House Secretary of Tasty Treats, Joe Bob Snickers, shared the administrations concerns at a press conference “…Yellow Bundt Cake is intended for happy occasions like Holidays, baby showers and trailer park weddings. Just the thought of it being used for evil is terrifying…that’s what Fruit Cake is for”.

The Queen today announced Gordon Brown’s insane programme of measures for the new parliament.

Clearly confused and poorly prepared, she read out a list of bizarre and unexpected measures, and at one point was heard to mutter ’shit me’ under her breath when forced to declare that foreign terrorists are to be castrated and have their scrotal sacks surgically reattached to their heads, in what Gordon Brown described as ‘a stark warning’.

Seeking to regain the political initiative was the order of the day, but analysts were left dumbfounded when The Queen was forced to splutter her way through a measure for Education that means anyone who isn’t black, gay or bisexual will have to sit an ‘11Plus’ style exam in order to receive any kind of education. Gordon Brown reinforced this with his ‘vision’ of an Eton full of lovely little black gays and lesbians playing together and achieving top grades.

The Conservatives were caught on the back foot. David Cameron responded,”Look at me, look at this face. If you don’t want to punch this smug mug there is something wrong with you.”

A Conservative colleague, evidently using a pre-prepared statement, and without the brains to realise it was inappropriate, accused Mr Brown of “stealing” and “recycling” policies, and of “short-termism”.

The Chancellor, Alistair Darling, was quoted as saying, “it looks like someone has removed two Brazilian pubic waxes and stuck them on my forehead. When I look in the mirror and I see my eyebrows I feel so stupid”.

In a slightly less than convincing summation, The Queen stated ,”My government will take forward policies to respond to the rising aspirations of the people of the United Kingdom; to ensure security for all; and to entrust more power to Parliament and the people.” But a microphone at the side of stage clearly picked up The Queen muttering that he (Gordon Brown) was ‘a caber-tossing, mars bar battering buffoon, with a lopsided face and little piggy jowls’.

Silicone Valley, California: In what came as a complete surprise to the tech community and with absolutely no warning nor leakage of any kind, Steve Jobs proudly unveiled his follow-up to the popular iPhone, the iPoop.

Steve Jobs: “It only stands to reason that I’d complete the pairing of the iPhone with a compatible companion unit like the iPoop. It’s only logical. After all, if you need quick access to a portable device like the iPhone, then you’ll also at some time require even quicker access to the iPoop.”

Critics, however, were quick to point out some clearly evident shortcomings and possible bugs even before the sales of the iPoop were opened to the public. Oft mentioned were the cost of Apple iPhone batteries. Will iPaper be available at a reasonable rate from Apple, and will buyers be able to make use of generic iPaper rather than the projected $150 per roll cost of Apple iPaper? And what about the iPoop’s iTank? Returning the iPoop to registered Apple retailers to flush out the iPoop’s iTank will have many iPoop buyers slamming the iLid in disgust.

Several lucky (and anonymous) eBayers who bought iPoops at five times the suggested street price of $4500 were ecstatic about their good fortune to have an iPoop a day before its street release. “Yeah, dude, it’s awesome. Ya gotta be careful and don’t leave the iLid open though, or the iWater’ll dry up damn fast.” “I used it in class today, and nobody heard a thing when I flushed. Jobs has done his homework on this baby!” “Hey, it’s an Apple, what more can I say?”

In conclusion, we can only await the consumer public’s reaction to another Apple product’s release so soon after the rather expensive iPhone. And what of the limited color options? The units we examined were reminiscent of the old 1990s MacIntosh beige which has long been out of style. Until then we can only wait and see, even though others may be in a rush to use the iPoop. Our advice? Sit on your decision until the results are in, if you can hold it that long.