Cereal Killer

On Brunel radio during floods…
“Would parents with 4×4’s please pick up their children from school as soon as possible due to rising flood waters”

FANCY ROBOTS. FROM THE SUN.
FANCY ROBOTS. COMING THROUGH!

How random.

Tony Blair has made two further announcements following the news that he has converted to the Roman Catholic faith.

In a short press conference he announced that he had decided to become Conservative and American. Although these conversions were widely expected, Blair had resolutely refused to discuss such issues during his term in office. During an interview on Parkinson he had previously said: “It is always best not to discuss in public one’s political position or nationality otherwise you get branded a nutter”

However, insiders have said that Blair’s behaviour in the last years of his premiership had shown all the signs of being Conservative and American. “It is no secret that the he believes in the infallibility of George Bush and Margaret Thatcher and all of his foreign policy decisions have clearly demonstrated his stateside and Tory leanings” Anne Widdecombe said.

Downing Street maintained that matters of religion, political party or nationality were a purely personal matter and had no relevance to how a British, Labour Prime Minister who had appointed the Archbishop of Canterbury was able to carry out their duties.

government investigation carried out into the causes of Mad Cow Disease or, to give it its scientific name, Meatpie Spongiform Shakeaboutabit (BSE), has concluded that steak and kidney pies consumed at football stadiums were FIFTY TIMES dodgier than pies eaten elsewhere.

The findings are grim. Football supporters run the risk of bearing the brunt of the disease’s onslaught if they are amongst the tens of thousands of fans who ‘nipped out for a pie’ during the interval at a game.

Investigators found that the pre-conditions for the onset of BSE were a raging hunger, a ravenous appetite and poisoned meat, and discovered that all three exist at football grounds at half-time.

Ken Pasty, one of the investigating team said:

“Football meat pies are deadly, we know that. But this is something new, something disturbing. If fans eat a pie, and move from side-to-side to keep warm, the beef reacts in such a way as to leave the pie-eater, well, Spongiformed.”

Out of the 92 football grounds where food was tested, 91 were found to be serving substandard fare. Only Premier League struggler’s Wigan Athletic, with their National Football Centre of Pie-eating Excellence, measured up.

Alan Tatie, Head of Catering at Wigan, said:

“We take a lot of pride in our meat pies. They are guaranteed not to cause Mad Cow Disease, although we have had a few cases of Botulism, and a couple of old dears, Sam and Ella, got upset tummies last season.”

Nursery school bosses ordered the words of the rhyme Baa Baa Black Sheep to be altered to Baa Baa Rainbow Sheep.

The change was made to avoid offending children after teachers examined the nursery’s equal opportunities policy.

Stuart Chamberlain, manager of the Sure Start Centre in Oxford, could not explain why children might be offended.

But he said: “No one should feel pointed out because of their race, gender or anything else.

“We’ve taken the equal opportunities approach to everything we do.

“This is fairly standard across nurseries. We are following stringent equal opportunities rules.”

And the sad thing is I’m not even making this up.

You would have to be so barking window licking mad to be offended by this you wouldn’t be able to tell anyone as you’d be too busy licking your own foot.

In an unbelievable example of ‘political correctness gone mad’, Father Christmas has been added to the sex offender’s register in a landmark court decision.

It has been felt by some concerned parents that perhaps an elderly gentleman who enjoys children sitting on his knee, hangs around children’s bedrooms while they sleep and gives out presents and sweets to ‘good little children’, is rather a cause for concern.

In a shock decision, Judge Eddie Neeberscrooj motioned a change to the law to allow anthropomorphic personifications to be added to the sex offenders register in what is rapidly becoming known as “the Santa clause.”

Father Christmas caused further controversy as he left the Old Bailey, by allegedly calling a female member of the jury a derogatory term sometime applied to women of a loose moral tendency and not to be confused with a garden implement. It is believed he called her this name three times in close succession and seemed awfully jolly about it. It is yet to be confirmed whether charges will be brought for this incident.

The tooth fairy (A close friend of Father Christmas) was spotted leaving the court room looking tired and emotional, amid rumours of multiple theft and trespassing charges to be brought against her.

This has been an especially unusually year. It seems that everyone is going on strike. From Garbage collectors to Writers. When will we please the masses.

Well here’s a news FLASH, Crash Test Dummies are on strike now. And there is going to be lots of litigations. Some of the demands are, health insurance, equal pay, warmer clothing, 401K, proper burials, the Right to Vote and a mouth from which to speak.

Attorney, and Governor of Florida, Jeb Bush is representing the “Dummies”. “I think I can gain some republican votes this election year, by representing these dummies” say’s Jeb. “And I see a real need to support our dummies”.

Among other issues, the Dummies are demanding their God given rights. Dummy #10912 said, ” UMMM AHUM MMMm”, just before falling to pieces.

Congress already has bills up for approval to include Crash Test Dummies in their Hate Crimes agenda’s.

President George Bush agrees, that all Americans deserve protection rights under the Constitution.

Honestly, in elections who would vote for this?