Cereal Killer

London Times Obituary of the late C . Sense

‘Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to:

Come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; life isn’t always fair and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (Don’t spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (Adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job

that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Elastoplast to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn’t defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realise that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; along with his daughter and son, Responsibility and Reason. He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I’m A Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realised he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

A London bus driver has amazed colleagues with his knack for telling the future after several of his calls came true including his prediction that the 09:12 from Fulham would arrive back at the depot at least five minutes late.

Reg Stains a veteran bus driver of twenty years says he doesn’t really know how he ended up being capable of telling the future but often amazes family and friends with his powers.

“Last week someone asked me if I could predict what time services would be at my local church the following week and for for some reason, off the top of my head, I said 6.30 and 9 0′clock. Well you could’ve knocked me over with a feather when they telephoned me and said I was right”

Since then Reg says he’s been inundated with calls from people many of who ask him to predict next weeks lottery numbers although he claims he won’t be wasting his talent on greed.

“I’ve been given this power by God almighty and I’m sure he’d take them away as quickly as he gave them if he thought I was going to waste them on something as frivolous as gambling” he declared “But if anyone wants to know what time Sainsbury’s is going to open tomorrow they’re more than welcome to give me a call.

America’s leading banks have reacted angrily to claims that a French rival, Societe General, has achieved the world’s biggest trading fraud loss, worth $7bn.

“We believe they’ve grossly inflated this claim,” said Manny Spendthrift, chief non-cooperating officer for the American Bankers’ Association. “Our banks remain the best in the world at losing vast sums of money on daft investment schemes. The Europeans are, as always, years behind on the state of their dodgy financial engineering. And they seem to have uncovered this scam after less than two years. We could have let it run for at least twice that, and doubled the liquidators’ earnings.”

“Soc Gen really aren’t in the big league,” agreed a representative of extremely-brokerage Merrill Lunch. “Their loss was caused by a junior trader, whose name isn’t even big enough to be dragged through the mud. Whereas we were ripped off by the guys at the very top – our ex-CEO Stan O’Neale and his boardroom cronies – who for years collected bonuses from profits from reckless gambling, then walked off with seven-figure pay-offs when all their investments turned out to be worthless.”

A shifty guy from Citibank would have said something similar, but was going to charge ten dollars a minute for speaking to us.

As a further sign of the clear performance gap between US and EU-based share trading scandals, Soc Gen’s loss hasn’t even been enough to wipe out its past year’s profits. So it hasn’t had to sell big chunks of itself to Asian dictatorships’ sovereign wealth funds or bring in shady Middle Eastern princes to plug the holes in its balance sheet. “A clear sign of how far behind the curveball those European financial institutions really are,” said analyst Gina Overdraw of the West Bank, which famously lost arafats of money through a ruinous partnership with the Gaza Asset Strippers.

We finally got round to asking global financial expert Jim Bezzler to explain the incredibly complicated forward-market mechanism by which Soc Gen’s rogue trader managed, betting less than the price of a lottery ticket, to lose an amount even larger than George Michael’s car repair bill.

“I haven’t a clue what he was doing with all that money,” said Mr Bezzler. “So they’ve just made me the new head of the Financial Services Authority.”

Air travellers can look forward to taking a full set of limbs onto planes after regulations were relaxed at most airports across the UK.

Up until today, customs officers were legally permitted to use chainsaws and meat cleavers in order to meet loading requirements. Customers who turned up at airports with fatty or overweight limbs were lead into a special secure sector, and butchered. One lady was considered so obese, she had her entire body removed and was only allowed to travel as a severed head, although she was upgraded to first class as compensation for the inconvenience.

But some airlines have taken the legislation as carte blanche to do what they want, with Ryanair taking special interest in the liquid limits.

“We have to take every measure to make sure we comply with the rules, but it doesn’t effect the enjoyment of our passengers,” said a spokesperson. “Therefore we have extracted all the liquid from their bodies and reduced them to a fine dust, which we keep in jars.

“The upside is we have a pleasant and worry free flight, the downside is we don’t sell many expensive snacks. But that’s the war on terror. We did have to let one of the cabin crew go as he was using a man in a jar from economy as a makeshift salsa dip.”

The future heir to the throne has announced today; “yes he is definitely going to give up drinking, But…” In keeping with Royal traditions and their penchant for blood sports, he wouldn’t like to upset his Granddad and has vowed to continue clubbing.

He spoke Jenny Bonds, the new In Seine News Royal Correspondent after staggering from a Mayfair Gentleman’s Club at 4am on what was going to be his last ever drinking session. He said:

“You haven’t met grandfather when he’s in a mood have you? He gets in a frightful funk and kicks the corgis!

“I am going to learn to fly in the next four months and when I get to pilot the chopper I’m going to take the ‘old fellow’ out to the Faro Islands in it and were going to club us a few seals – they should be fat enough in 4 months. We’re going to have to get lots of Grandma’s (corgi) pooper-scoopers to make sure I don’t get blood on me chopper.”

The Duke of Edinburgh is reputed to have said: “I wish William was my son.”

Tom Cruise, Commander and Emperor of the Scientology movement, has revealed that man did not become the superior species on Earth overnight. Many years ago the world was ruled by dinosaurs, to defeat them, man had to evolve and overthrow them.

On his latest visit to the UK, a height lacking Cruise turned down an invitation to meet the Queen, he told journalists: “I do not fear your woman ruler. I was once a samurai.”

Cruise explained that he has only touched his potential as a super powered celebrity. He also expressed his dislike of British culture: “Your 007 James Bond. He would quiver if he met the full force of my iron cobra fist.”

“The human species of celebrity is improving all the time. We are evolving and developing extra powers. I am at this very moment learning the finer points of levitation along with the art of acting.”

Cruise described the process the X-Men went through to achieve the coup over the dinosaurs in the latter half of the 18th Century.

“If Jean Gray decides you don’t exist. Then that’s it, you stop existing. Even if you get away from her, Wolverine will scratch your eyes out. The dinosaurs didn’t stand a chance.”

When questioned if Oliver the Humanzee, also known as the Chuman or Manpanzee, was the result of a Scientology experiment in the early 1970s, Cruise replied: “Isn’t that what happens when a man has sex with a monkey?”

Retired Great Train Robber, Ronnie Biggs, 117, has finally told police where they can find the six locomotives he stole in the 60’s.

“Enough’s enough” said Biggs, from his cell in Wormwood Scrubs. “The rozzers might as well as know – I buried them in me mum’s garden.”

The crimes shocked the nation nearly half a century ago. Biggs and his gang, including the notorious Kray twins, Martin and Gary as well as get away driver Stephen Hawkins terrorised model railway enthusiasts all over the country.

Retired Detective Jack Slipper said “They would sneak into homes and ransack play rooms, attics and garages – searching for model railway engines. They even did over Harrod’s toy department – they were evil.”

Slipper went on to say “We derailed their plans though – and quickly followed their tracks and took them down to the station. I remember Hawkins siding with the Krays, trying to pin it all on Biggs. We let them let of steam for a while, before shunting them off to prison.”

Many believed that a miss-carriage of justice had occurred, claiming Biggs was set up. “He was entitled to express his innocence” said Slipper “But this confession shows that my investigation was clean as a whistle”

Weather experts have been warning people of bleak conditions on their way over the next few days, with heavy winds, cold and up to ½ inch of snow expected.

Not since last year have conditions been this bad, commented one weather man, wearing an Arctic coat and two pairs of gloves. He warned that there could be ice as well.

Britain usually comes to a halt whenever it snows, as people run for cover from dangerous snowflakes spiralling slowly down from a grey sky. Ice on the road is bad enough but when it is black ice, it causes pandemonium, with cars skidding left, right and centre, like a dodgems ride. Trains are further delayed, the refuse doesn’t get collected and schools have to close.

“In short”, said the weather man, “We’re all screwed.”

Senior citizen Alf Garnett said:

“I remember the Great Freeze of 1970, when it snowed on and off for 2 days. There must have been four inches of snow that year. I couldn’t even see my door mat. My kids built a snow pygmy in the front garden.”

Since then the Government has introduced emergency measures to combat the bad weather, which include men in vans chucking bits of salt on the ground, which can be very annoying if you’re stuck behind one of them on the road. The special COBRA committee is said to be meeting.

Meanwhile, an 80-year old woman speaking from an igloo in Chicago, where it’s really chucking, said:

“I don’t know why the Brits make such a fuss. It’s only snow.”