Cereal Killer

Following on from the new rules for the parking of cars and the charges councils can now apply in fines, a new nationwide initiative was announced today to help leverage even more stealth tax from the hard-pressed motorist to help ensure Labour are completely un-electable at the next election..

The following “fines” may be levied at any time, either direct ticketing by parking gorillas or by the new network of cameras being installed by Nannystate Video’s Limited. In following true tradition, all fine application and collection services will be outsourced to enable companies such as Capita, National Car Parks and EDS to make even more money out of the the government.

The new extra regulations are as follows:

* £60 fine:
o Driving a bright red Skoda
o Driving a 4×4 if you are female and blond
o Listening to rap music with your window open
o Affixing “vote for” signs to the car window during elections
o Eating with your mouth open
o Driving in a Welsh accent
o Stopping at any time on the M25, irrespective of traffic queues
o Eating your own food at one of the rip-off motorway stopovers
o Any premiership football regalia on the back window

* £300 fine
o Driving a green Skoda
o Possession of a Churchill Insurance, nodding, orgasmic “Oh Yes!” dog
o Driving with one arm resting on an open window
o Wearing offensive sun glasses
o Possession of a comedy warning yellow diamond sticker on the back window
o A car with two passengers of combined weight more than 240 kilos entering a drive-thru McDonalds
o Towing a caravan on a B road during daylight
o Any 1st Division football regalia on the back window

* £600 fine
o Driving a bright yellow Skoda
o Using shopping trolley key-fob coins in parking meters
o Having a criminal record, especially anything by Sugarbabes or Leona Lewis
o Saluting traffic wardens in a “Heil Hitler” fashion
o Possessing a pair of furry, dangly dice
o Wearing a baseball cap back to front
o Driving with one leg resting on the window
o Travelling with the mother-in-law in the back seat without a mouth gag
o Using Gatzo cameras for target practice
o Using parking attendants for target practice
o Any Scottish Premier division football regalia on the back window

There was a uncomfortable silence this morning when the news was broken by the Queen at breakfast that ‘Phillip’ had bet Wales on a pair of two’s on a recent trip to Las Vegas.

Its new owner “Golden Palace” casino’s gave a statement that it would not be taking Wales away from the UK immediately as its inhabitants will need time to adapt to it not raining. They have announced plans to sponsor participants from the Red Bull air race in a lucrative sponsorship deal to tow it away. Speed Cameras are being re-pointed to the sky in light of the welsh constabularly having the chance of making a quick few quid.

A spokesman from Sipgwgsgseuiobergbse, Wales was optimistic however could not comment as he was in the queue to swap his wellies for a sombrero.

A representative from the Royal family justified the expenditure with the statement that the Prince had been trying to help the country with the betting spree in that if the hand had gone his way he would have been $50 dollars up, (About 15 pence) and was trying to save Northern Rock.